This is a hard topic, and I want to start by saying my heart is with you, mama. I hope you know you are entitled to EVERY SINGlE emotion you are feeling, and I pray you have an incredible support system that would NEVER dismiss this loss.
Here at Horton Lane, I try to equip mamas with the information they are looking for, but it is no secret that I don't know everything. My goal when starting this website was for it to be a place where all moms felt seen and heard. So, if there is something I don't have a personal experience with, I seek out the advice and guidance of my amazing community of mamas on Instagram!
I absolutely cherish how willing everyone is to help one another and be vulnerable in offering their experience and wisdom. So without further ado, here are some personal testimonies on how these incredible mamas dealt with their miscarriages.
"People will say 'it wasn't meant to be' to comfort you, and that is not comforting or anything you want to hear. You just want someone to say, 'I'm sorry you're going through that. It freaking sucks, and I'm here to talk if you need me.' I had two in a row before my son, and apparently, that was super rare. I started thinking my body couldn't carry a baby, which made me so insecure and emotional. Be an advocate for yourself because most doctors will say, 'It happens,' but I was adamant about getting blood work and tests done because that wasn't normal. It turns out I did not have enough progesterone. Once we figured it out, we were good!"
"Don't rush to try again. It takes a lot of energy from the body to get pregnant and miscarry (not including the mental toll). My mom is a TCM acupuncturist specializing in fertility and tells all her patients to stop trying and allow at least three months to heal and build energy and health reserves before trying again. If the body is depleted, it has less chance of keeping the next one, and the cycle repeats. Additionally, I know it's not for everyone, but seeing a TCM Acupuncturist can be SO helpful for conception."
"I had a friend tell me this analogy about a box and grief. You have a box that represents grief. Inside the box is a ball filled with your grief. When it first happens, your box is so small, and the pain of the grief seems almost too big for the box to hold. But as time goes on, your box gets bigger as your capacity to handle the pain gets stronger. It doesn't feel like it will ever stop hurting, but there are days when it's a little lighter, a little better, and it doesn't hurt as much."
"No one prepared me for the physical pain. I wasn't ready for a miscarriage, no one is, but I especially wasn't ready for how badly it physically hurt. Take time away from work. Rest. Let your mind and body heal the best you can. Heat is great for the pain. And pressure during the contractions (if you don't have a D&C) helps a lot. My husband pressed on my back every time a contraction happened and rubbed my back until I fell asleep."
"I have gone through three miscarriages in less than two years during the pandemic, and it was extremely difficult for my husband and me. You will receive messages and words of advice on how to conceive again or how to grieve; know that some people mean well, as some may not have experienced such an event and are unsure how to comfort you. Don't take anything personally. You will have good and bad days, so be sure to create boundaries and let them know how you feel. Advocate for yourself and your situation, and don't allow others to be dismissal/disrespectful of your goals, emotions, and loss."
"If you are employed, take FMLA and talk to your employer or ask for support upon your return. But most importantly, know that it's not your fault. Take your time and allow yourself to grieve and process everything. It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is still a loss, and it's still very painful and traumatic. If needed, please reach out to your medical team for resources and join support groups for grieving mothers/parents or seek mental health resources. Regarding trying again after a miscarriage, if there are no restrictions or concerns per your medical team, try when you and your spouse are both physically and mentally ready."